Jane Austen Fans Beware!

There are no words

Yes, it’s true.

Sad, frightening, and true.  Out of all the people who have struck gold by cashing into the Jane Austen franchise, this is by far the worst.

Seth Grahame-Smith has taken Jane Austen’s most beloved literary classic, Pride and Prejudice, and has raped Regency England with an infestation of blood-thirsty zombies.  Apparently,  Grahame-Smith has kept 85 per cent of the original text and has only added 15 per cent of sacrilegious zombie material.  Here’s the first line of the text, courtesy of www.buy.com :

“It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains”

Of course, I’m a Jane Austen purist, so naturally this has me groaning with no small amount of pain.  When my Jane Austen professor–who is an avid collector of Austen paraphernalia–mentioned that the Pride and Prejudice+ Zombie mash-up was being proposed earlier this year, I was overcome with Elizabeth Bennet-like indignation.  Just two weeks ago, during a heavenly visit to The World’s Biggest Bookstore in Toronto,  I saw this book on display in a, get ready for this . . . “Zombie” exhibit, and let out a groan of inner turmoil so loud, an employee asked me what was wrong.  I just pointed to Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and shook my head in disbelief. 

But that’s just me.  I don’t like classics tampered with in such an unholy manner.  I don’t like to see perfectly good originals modified to suit an increasingly restless culture, and zombies are just so hot right now.

It gets worse, though.  According to Brian Bethune’s article in Maclean’s last week, which is available at http://www2.macleans.ca/tag/pride-and-prejudice-and-zombies/, an author named Michael Thomas Ford is the latest to exploit Miss Austen for commercial gain, with a book called Jane Bites Back, expected to hit shelves in 2010.  In this novel, Austen is a–brace yourselves–vampire who runs a bookstore, and is so annoyed with other authors cashing in on her work that she drives stakes through their hearts.  No doubt the Twilight crowd will fall all over themselves for this one, which will then probably turn into a movie starring Robert Pattison as . . . someone, anyone.  He could just stand there, brooding in a corner with unwashed hair, and millions of girls aged 12-18 would be forking over their parents’ hard-earned cash. 

The bright side of this mash-up, however, is that now, cultured and literate women can share their love of all things Austen with their moronic, zombie-loving boyfriends!  It’s the best of both worlds!  Romance and Regency England meet flesh-eating monsters!

. . . Yes, I’m being sarcastic, and yes, I’m rolling my eyes.